Editor’s Note Cinodras is a humorist and satirist. No post by Cinodras should be taken seriously.
With the recent passages of the ~$800 billion “stimulus package” in Congress, and the $3.7 trillion federal budget (with a deficit of $1.75 trillion), disgruntled Republicans are crying out “Generational Theft!” They argue that all the excessive spending in the bill & budget is tantamount to stealing money from future generations. Democrats have responded by declaring Bush’s $1+ trillion tax cuts and the $5 trillion increase in national debt under his watch as the real “Generational Theft.” Well, if the two sides could stop bickering for a few minutes (ha!), they would be able to see that there’s a very simple solution to the problem: Increase the size of the next generation.
If there’s going to be an increased monetary burden on future generations of Americans, then the burden needs to be spread out as widely as possible over as many people as possible. One way would be to allow more immigrants into the country, and make them pay all the future taxes to cover our debt. Although that’s appealing in its own right, there’s a much simpler solution: Convince more people to have more babies.
As it stands now, the US growth rate is 0.883%, and the total fertility rate is 2.1 children born per woman. In order to cover all of the debt we’re creating right now, we need to at least triple those numbers. That should adequately create enough tax payers to compensate for our current economic philandering.
So how do we go about doing that?
Firstly, we need to allow all women to have access to in vitro fertilization and assisted reproductive technology, and then encourage them to use the technology to give birth to six children. But that’s just the warm up; if that goes successfully, then the women would need to go through the process again and have octuplets - just like Californian super-mom Nadya Suleman. Sure, she may be single, unemployed, and on reliant on foodstamps. And yes, it may be a massive tax burden on current taxpayers for her Social Security disability payments, but that’s only because we are reluctant to think beyond the here and now. Although she’s a huge money sink at the moment, she is single handedly trying to strengthen our future economy by adding no fewer than 14 future tax payers. All women should follow Nadya’s lead and start manufacturing babies as if their lives depended on it .
Next, we need to convince teenagers to have more unprotected, premaritial sex. (Bristol Palin, I salute you!) We need them to start reproducing as early as possible in order to have as many children as their barely nubile little bodies can pop out.
For inspiration, we should look beyond our borders to Britain, where a 13 year old boy has just fathered a child with his 15 year old girlfriend. Even more impressive is how the 4ft tall father, Alfie Patten, actually impregnated his wife when he was only 12 years old during a single bout of unprotected sex. If that’s not a divine sign to increase population for the sake of our economy, then I don’t know what is.
And if the economy recovers and we don’t need all the new babies anymore? Well, in that case, we can just eat them.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I must abandon my keyboard and convince the kids at the local orphanage to start fornicating in the name of ‘generational economics.’
~Posted by Cinodras
